Word unsaid

If i could easily express my emotions i wouldnt be writing this. It has always been second nature for me to express my thoughts but almost forbidden territory to express my feelings and emotions although my tear ducts tend to be very brazen...grrr. I've been told that i'm very vocal about my opinions and thoughts but when it comes to relationships most of mine fail because i'm unable to fully express myself.

Its no secret that actions speak louder than words but when it comes down to love I am unable to show just how crazy i am about someone. I know a lot of men are in the same situation. Mention the word 'love' to them and they'll run away faster than Ben Johnson being chased by the devil.

I'm not that much into PDA and it usually take a really long time for me to be physically comfortable around someone. Dammit, i'm not even used to holding a guy's hand in public. I like my personal space...but for some reason i love cuddling and...u know the rest (dirty minded idiots).

I guess expressing oneself needs time and practice. But i don't want to 'practice' i want to say the words and mean them. OH!!! You know what pisses me off?? People that say 'I love you' redundantly. it drives me insane!! the phrase loses its significance. I once had an ex that kept saying "i love you sooooooo much! i can't live without you" GRRRR..idiot you've been living life fine before u met me. At the same time, i don't want it to be a guessing game where i have to try and put the pieces together just to figure out for myself how it is you are really feeling.

They say it is easy for you to express yourself when you mean it or when it comes from the heart. that doesn't work for me. even though the feelings are soooo strong, i cannot fully express myself the way i want to. and it drives me insane...because we only live once and by holding back u can be missing out on sooo much that life has to offer!

Before I end, here's one of my favorite poems by one of my favorite song writer/singer, Alicia Keys. She explains it right on the point:

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

I am a P.O.W.
Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.
I guess that's what I am
Scraping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself

It'd be easier if you put me in jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise
A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth
Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?

A prisoner of age dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged youself
By holding your tongue

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid